Sometimes a moving thought would just pop into my mind and i find myself dazed. my hands itch to let them be expressed on paper. sadly though, it happens when i'm in the middle of something. or at the end of it. and i'm just too tired to write.

Haaah. thinking of it now, i wish i could have put some down on writing. at least to remind me of how i get at times. :j

again, the wonders of fresh starts.. i'll try.. i'll try.. 0:)

lagi na lang akong fresh start. lagi na lang akong nangangakong susulat sayo. pero sa dami ng ginagawa eh mukhang mahihirapan talaga ako. basta daan ako paminsan minsan :)

I'm amazed at how God sends me His messages everyday. May it be through His Word or through the simplest of things. Just about 19 minutes ago, my cellphone whistled.

> 286

haaay, kala ko naman kung sino. 286 lang pala.

Psalm 51:10 Create in me a pure heart, O God, & renew a steadfast spirit within me. Start ur day w/ daily verses, send BIBLE to 286 to subscribe (P2.50/msg)

Amazement leaked through a smile. Si Lord talaga, amazing.

Just yesterday, i decided to let go of my burdens. Marie (one of the most important persons in my life) and i sat at a pew sa St. Therese chapel, and prayed... together. We entered into an unspoken promise to help each other in our spiritual journey, as individuals and as a couple. it's been a while since i felt God touching me inside out. it felt simply - great. And at that moment, though unworthy, i felt so fulfilled. i felt blessed to just be.

Filled with renewed hope, i continue this endless journey to becoming more like Him. it's not always easy, but as He promised, i know it will be worth it.

"Let us not become tired of doing good. For if we do not give up, the time will come when we will reap our harvest." Galatians 6:9

grabe antagal ko nang hindi sumusulat sayo.

kahit na madalas dumadaan ako nang saglit, hindi ko makuhang tumigil at ilabas ang mga nararamdaman ko. minsan kasi talagang busy ako. minsan naman rin, wala lang talaga akong masabi.

marahil, talagang matinding kalungkutan ang nagdala sa akin upang likhain ka, at sa pagpanaw nito, sabay kang nawalan ng lugar sa buhay ko. sabagay, bakit nga ba naman hindi masasayang bagay ang ilagay ko, diba? *sigh* pasensya ka na.

hayaan mo, susubukan ko ulit. simula na siguro ito. hindi na ako magtatago ulit. isasama kita. :)

Have you ever been stolen of innocence? Or rather – ignorance? Have you ever looked at what’s true and find hate? Have you ever wished that you haven’t found out?

But, is ignorance bliss?

I’m shaking right now. Is it too cold? Or is it something else?

When you find out that what you’ve been holding isn’t as real as the dreams you see at night, would you close your eyes? Would you hold on, hoping it would eventually turn out to be as real?

Will it ever be the same?

I got hold of this book: Inner Simplicity by Elaine St. James. When I got home, I let my bunso brother join in with excitement, Huy may nahiram na naman akong book. Maganda to.

I looked at my shelf and saw a good stack of inspirational books. The Purpose Driven Life, Faithwalk, Light For My Path, New Men-Deeper Hungers, Prayer of Jabez for Teens...

Two days ago and yesterday, I went out of my classroom from an exam feeling all clumsy. Of course, I failed both. I think. Why? ‘Cause I studied just hours before the exam! Wow, so much for my resolutions.

Now I look at this book, beaming with hope. And as I start reading it, I feel this somehow familiar enthusiasm. I feel alive again. I’m excited that somehow I know I’m reading into something new; into possible firewood for my growth. I should learn.

What we hope ever to do with ease, we must first learn to do with diligence." S.Johnson

This keeps ringing in my head. Maybe this is it.

I took a bath before starting to read again. While in the shower, I heard the roaring of thoughts coming in and out of my mind. I must clean myself up, and shed some more of the old me. Good bye, cramming (for the nth time). Bye, laziness (oh! it’s been forever). It’s as if I can hear the soundtrack of The Matrix: my resolve winning against the anxieties. *sigh*

Another one of my mind revolutions. :)

My best friend was asking me something about her new girl, and I answered him eagerly, amazed at the excitement that I haven’t seen from his eyes for long. I just poured in a bottle of light down my stomach, and in my weakness, the alcohol started kicking in. My eyes closed half the world from me. Everything was familiar; music filled the air just enough to crowd it, familiar people walking past our table, laughter and stories of mystery filling the whole of this café with my friend’s voice still overcoming the noise.

Then it all just faded into silence. And slowly everything else was silent. Dead. I could still see his mouth moving but I couldn’t hear anything. I looked around, friends everywhere but strangers just the same. Everything turned into a blur and all I could see was myself and nothing. I felt full; yet so empty.

I tried to shake my head, and take myself out from whatever it was that I have fallen into. I looked around and saw familiar people no more. I looked into me in search for my soul and found nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing.

I tried to find answers; but even questions I found none. I looked at my clothes. I checked my pockets. The bottle of beer still a bit cold pierced through my lonely being. The lamp hanging from the ceiling swayed gently, playing with its light. Smoke played with the light in much indifference. My friends wildly chatted, shared jokes with laughter held in their hands, waiting to be let out in much anticipation. A stranger next to us gently touched his bottle to his friend’s, after giving him a gentle pat of weighty reassurance. The bartender smiled as he gave a costumer his favorite frappe. Each on its own place.

I hastily opened my pouch. I found my rosary. I found my pen and notepad. I found my hanky. I found a feather.

A smile crept its way out from my lips. The noise came back. Music played. The lamp still shook. Smoke still decorated the light. My friends were laughing hard. I heard my best friend asking me again about her new girl. The bottle was no longer cold. It was empty.

Time to go home.

I carefully maneuvered with the gate so as to make as little noise as possible. Darkness and stillness signify that sleep has fallen over our home. I reached for the key and slowly made my way into our kitchen, hoping that Mama wouldn’t be drawn out from her slumber. I crept into the dark halls and managed my way to our bed, to your snoring. I sat beside you, just staring. “Anlaki mo na, Nard. Anlaki laki mo na.”

I sensed God touch me as I sit there looking at you. I stroke your hair - they were no longer a baby’s. I felt everything hushed as I whispered a short prayer into your ear, as if to just catch the words from a loving brother sink into your soul, fed as you grow into the man that you are to be.

I have been here to watch you stretch from a baby wet with saliva to a boy who keeps talking even to sleep. And my heart collects as I wonder if I have ever missed out on your growing. It wouldn’t be long ‘til I finally bid farewell the baby that I knew of you. But as I welcome you: no more baby face, bigger nose, John Lloyd-look-a-like, there will still be that part of you that I will look to as my eternal reminder of a wonderful blessing that I know I never missed out on. You will always be my bedmate, kakwentuhan, kaasaran, kaibigan. Our bunso – baby brother, who’s now a big boy, bracing himself to take on the world.

There will be more of this letting go, I thought to myself. And so I closed my moment with a kiss on your forehead and smile on my face, enough to hold a tear or two from painting my face with too much happiness.

At night, when dreams became the very refuge of my fearful being, angels came. They brought with them handfuls of laughs and smiles, pains and lessons. At the first hour my eyes had seem to like the darkness and in it find the comfort of not being seen. Of not being who I am. I played like nobody else did. Laughed like nobody heard. And cried like everybody cared.

I began to see faces as soon as light prevailed. Fear gets me; and I’m awake. And so I go back the next time, and find myself wallowing in delightful darkness.

One night, I saw the face of one of them. Queer thing – it didn’t scare me. I stopped my playing. I stopped my laughing. I stopped my crying. I was just staring, but only for a moment. As my eyes opened wider, I looked deep into every corner of her face. Then, I got scared. I closed my eyes.

Many times, it happened. I just pushed off. It didn’t matter. Because I was playing like nobody else did. Laughing like nobody was hearing. And crying like everybody cared.

Suddenly, they stopped coming. I waited for their presence, but frustrations were left to sleep with. I had forgotten to play. I had forgotten to laugh. I found myself crying – I was crying like nobody cared.

I decided to do what I feared the most – open my eyes to the light. As I looked around searching for the noises, the laughs, and the cries of nights past, light crept into the corners of my room.

I found you there.

I spent half of eternity just staring in disbelief. I looked closer and saw the corners of your face. But I wasn’t scared anymore. We kissed.

I embraced light to see everything that I’ve been failing to see. I saw your silent wounds, still willing to feel the same hurt, only if the hands to inflict were mine. You were there to play with me like nobody else had. There to hear my laughs, and cared to listen to my cries. You were the face that I have been seeing, and missing. You were the one touching my heart. You still are.

I found wings on the floor. And feathers scattered all over. You had been there all along. It seems that the moment we looked into each other, you took my wings off. And every time I hurt you, your wings fell.

Angels came to bring my Visions. And I realized that when I saw you in my very room, I chose to build my dreams with you. You became a part of my very person, the person that I’ve forgotten to know for a time. And as I started to bring my dreams into the light, I found that angels were there with the light, too. And now I’m not scared. I’m not anymore.

There is no way that I’m letting you go again, now that we are out here in the light, unafraid and strong. I have come to see the truth that I’ve failed to see many times – you gave up your wings when I asked you to. And you never left me. In the light I have seen the corners of my room, and I found you here. The night you came in, I knew that I would never allow anybody else in again. Because I could never play again the way I’d played with you. Laugh the way I laughed with you. And cry the way I cried with you.

As I hold your hands, I know that I’m not afraid anymore. Because I have come to see that you were my angel – you are my dreams. And I have come to see that angels have come with the light all along.